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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29096985">We're the same, you and I</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/CelestaMia/pseuds/CelestaMia'>CelestaMia</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, 進撃の巨人 | Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Character Development, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Falling In Love, Forbidden Love, Hospitalization, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Jealousy, Nightmares, Pining Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Protective Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Requited Unrequited Love, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan References, Titans, Unrequited Love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 11:27:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,921</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29096985</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/CelestaMia/pseuds/CelestaMia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>You notice him one day and can't stop thinking about him. </p><p>One day, he notices you.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jean Kirstein/Reader, Jean/Reader, Levi &amp; Reader, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Reader, Levi/Reader, jean reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>110</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>We're the same, you and I</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is my first ever fanfic so I hope you like it, enjoyyy &lt;3<br/></p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>My tired legs were weakening with each forced stride, dragging across the ground as I tried to keep up with the others, barely finishing the last lap a million miles behind. Last, again. Fatigued, I rejoined the class and, with the realisation that the next set was 50 push-ups, I rested to regain some stamina and catch my breath. My muscles refused to let me continue.</p><p> </p><p>“(L/N)!”</p><p> </p><p>Immediately, I jumped out of my skin, but my reaction was uncalled for. I should have been used to this by now.</p><p> </p><p>“Slacking again, already?” Shadis spat from behind me, striking the back of my knees and sending my body buckling onto the grass.</p><p> </p><p>“N-no, sir,” I muttered shakily, alarmed by the sudden impact on my hands. “I was just... I didn’t realise I-” My heart rate was rapidly quickening as I tried to put together an excuse, already knowing that nothing I would say would help me out of this situation. Drowning in the familiar feeling of utter helplessness, I sunk into the earth and the class fell silent.</p><p> </p><p>“<b>Weaklings that can’t keep up get sent home, </b> <b> <em>understand</em> </b>?"</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, sir,” I muttered, my eyes wide, face down in shame. Soft sounds of my shuddered breathing became more audible in the ever-growing silence as my comrades finished their sets and turned to me, watching. Their eyes burned red hot into my skin. Not wanting to imagine their thoughts of me, I zoned out, ready to be made an example of. </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>“(F/N)! Hey, wait up!” Jean yelled, his voice becoming louder as he ran towards me across the field.</p><p> </p><p>I came to a halt, turning to make eye contact with him. His hair was a mess; long, caramel strands falling out of his bun and covering his eyes as he continued to run towards me to close the distance. I already knew what he was going to say.</p><p> </p><p>“How was it?” he asked, eyebrows raised in anticipation. “Did that asshole make you run laps again?” </p><p> </p><p>Despite the hazing, I didn’t hate Shadis. I didn’t like him either but understood this was the proven way he made strong soldiers out of all the cadets that fell behind, it was nothing personal. If anything, I was angry at myself for not being able to keep up. I needed to improve, there were only a few months left until the finals.</p><p> </p><p>“Worse,” I replied, forcing a half-smile. “I had to do more circuit training."</p><p> </p><p>Jean sighed, “He’s just trying to toughen you up. In a few months, you’ll be kicking his ass.”</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Years </em>more like,” I muttered, continuing to walk beside him, glad I didn’t have to maintain eye contact anymore. “At this rate, I’m not going to graduate.” </p><p> </p><p>“Stop saying that, you’ll get better!” he encouraged, his brown eyes widening, a face of resolve. </p><p> </p><p>That was like Jean, to push through all problems with sheer willpower and determination and I admired it, it was an idealistic way to navigate through life, a way that I wished could have worked for me. He was tall, had more muscle than I could ever have, and was rank 12 already. He was strong before he even tried to be. The more I tried, the further away I became from getting stronger. </p><p> </p><p>“Better than you?” I joked, a knot forming in my stomach. </p><p> </p><p>He grinned and nudged me with his elbow. “<em> Duh </em>.” </p><p> </p><p>Honestly, I shouldn’t have compared. Our reasons for being here were different, after all. Jean’s reason was smart and practical -to have a peaceful life in the police brigade- and he was already 2 ranks away from achieving it. My reason, on the other hand, was my reason was stupid and I never had told him about it. He probably thought I was trying so hard to make the top 10 too.</p><p> </p><p>“But seriously, how are you?” Jean asked, his eyes glancing up and over at me.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m fine,” I lied, focusing straight ahead on the moss lining the cobblestone pathway ahead. “So why aren’t you in class? I thought we had anatomy now or something.”</p><p> </p><p>“Nah, it was cancelled,” Jean answered. “Not enough titans.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ah I see, so I’m the backup option,” I joked. I could always rely on him to find me after he got held back, even if he got in trouble for it. I was lucky to have him.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re so dramatic.” Jean teased.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh please, you’re the dramatic one. Remember when you couldn’t find your…  what was it? ...<em> Boots </em>? Acting like I hid them from you or something,” I reminisced, feeling lighter with the change of topic.</p><p> </p><p>“You totally did,” he fired back.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh come on, how the hell would I get into the male barracks?” </p><p> </p><p>"I swear I'll find out how you did it.”  </p><p> </p><p>"I have better things to do with my life, Jean."</p><p> </p><p>We continued to walk, arguing and coming up with intricate plans to steal and hide Jean’s belongings until we entered the dining hall where the atmosphere shifted entirely. The hushed whispers that weren’t intended for my ears to hear hadn’t ceased in time, reminding me of how weak I was.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>That night, I couldn’t sleep.</p><p> </p><p>Black. That’s all I could see. I was suddenly jolted awake and lying in a cold sweat from the same nightmare that had been plaguing my mind for 3 nights in a row. In the overwhelming darkness, my brain was replaying everything over and over again in my head. </p><p> </p><p>I lay there, experiencing emotions and memories beyond my control, faintly hearing blood-curdling raspy screeches piercing my eardrums, crying for me to hide in the basement, sobbing out my name in pain. I lay there, subjugated to seeing my home violently being taken from me by titans as mangled body parts of my friends plummeted from the sky and splattered my childhood red. It felt as if this darkness was identical to the one in the basement 5 years ago where I was too afraid to leave, powerless, knowing that coming up would make everything real.</p><p> </p><p>The shear stress had almost wiped my memory clean of the gritty details, but these nightmares swallowed me whole in the darkness, gladly guiding me back to the place I couldn’t run from in my mind to remind me. The first few times I had the nightmare I threw up, and the following twenty times I cried and cried in the foetal position until my throat closed up, my eyes stung, and I couldn’t breathe anymore. I had them less frequently now that I was somewhat desensitised, having no more tears left to cry, but, they would still find their way into my dreams, creeping up on me just as I thought I was over what had happened. Never far away. Never letting me forget.</p><p> </p><p>I would often feel empty but I was great at hiding it so I doubted that anyone here knew, not even Jean. I always thought that, if not for the nightmares, I never would have joined the survey corps. I knew the full extent of what I was getting into, it was suicide, and yet I still was here, fueled by a longing to ease my guilty conscious. That my life being spared wasn’t a murder sentence. That I could become strong enough to kill a titan and live. That I could save myself this time and avenge my mother. That’s all I wanted, but at this rate, it looked like I was never going to be able to.</p><p> </p><p>My thought pattern was broken by the harmonious, soothing tones of robins and blackbirds chirping outside. Pretty. It must have been 4 AM, not past curfew anymore.</p><p> </p><p>Silently, I left my room and wandered outside the barracks to distract myself, looking up at the sky, fading molten-gold stars comforting me as if they were beacons of hope bringing light into the darkness of my mind. I didn’t feel empty anymore, at least, the sky had always had the power to calm me down. Absent-mindedly, I continued walking with no direction in mind, walking past the dining hall and then the classrooms, letting my feet carry my body.</p><p> </p><p>That’s when I saw someone.</p><p> </p><p>They were a shadowy figure in the distance, barely illuminated by the slow sunrise at first, but as rays of sunlight started to pour into the area, my eyes could make out who it was. Ebony hair -clipped, neat, and in a messy undercut- contrasting with pale skin. The man was unmistakable to me in seconds.  </p><p> </p><p>I had heard rumours about Captain Levi before. The titan slayer with a kill count of 200, achieved with nothing more than a pair of steel blades and 3DMG gear to send him flying in a tornado. The monster that would shred muscle and bone as if they were merely paper, slaughtering anything in his way. The blunt, ruthless leader that every soldier didn’t dare cross. Humanity’s strongest. Respected, but feared.</p><p> </p><p>I had never met him in my almost 3 years here.</p><p> </p><p>He appeared to be sitting on the steps outside a classroom, a dark bottle in hand and was looking out into the sunrise as I had. Staring at him more closely, I felt my stomach turn as if I had stumbled upon something that I wasn’t meant to see. His hands were raised to his face, wiping his skin before burying his head into them. He was crying. Vulnerable. </p><p> </p><p>He hadn’t noticed I was standing there a few metres away, and I was thankful for that fact, but in the brief seconds that I had seen him, I had already seen enough. </p><p> </p><p>I had only been an outsider looking in for a few seconds, but I laid wide awake in bed that following night, knowing that we had come out for the same reason. Because we couldn't sleep. </p><p>I had never really paid any attention to Captain Levi before, but after that night he was always somewhere near in the background. I would see him practising 3DMG manoeuvring in the forest as I walked back from class, and his eyes would sometimes linger over my side of the meeting hall to scan the cadets, speaking to Petra or Eld. Seeing me, but never really noticing me. I wondered if they couldn’t sleep too.</p><p> </p><p>I would have been lying if I said I hadn’t thought about speaking to him, wondering what I would say, what he would say. We would understand each other. It became a distraction for me, between the nightmares and the humiliating holdbacks after class, seeing him as I walked back from training would remind me that I wasn’t alone, that the strongest and weakest of us both bled the same. I never did attempt to speak to him, but I would always look out for him in the trees when I was feeling alone.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>The hospital became a frequent place for me in the next few weeks. I had been training much harder than before, slowly gaining some muscle mass, but my body didn’t let me push that extra bit harder, the way Eren or Mikasa could to really see significant improvement. I would give my everything and more in effort and spirit, but my body would reject it, harming itself instead, in return. It was the never-ending struggle of running, looking down and seeing you were in the same place, immobilised. Whenever I fell, or ran out of stamina, or couldn’t punch hard enough, I heard my mothers screams ring into my ears. </p><p> </p><p>I sat in the same hospital bed I had been in twice this week. This time, a gashed leg from bashing into a tree in 3DMG fundamentals, the wires twisting my body off balance while jagged branches dug deep into my flesh. I was in agony, but the painkillers had set in quickly.</p><p> </p><p>The look on Jean's face was the worst of it though, like he was guilty he had told me to try harder. I didn’t want to feel any more pity. I hated being reminded that I was weak when I came here to become strong. I was sick of all the flowers, sick of watching the gap between my classmates and I grow further while I was frozen in time. Sidelined. If I couldn’t keep up I would surely be sent home, back to a village that didn’t exist anymore, never paying back the debt my life owed.</p><p> </p><p>My train of thought was suddenly interrupted by the view of a man that walked past my door that was left open by the nurses. </p><p> </p><p>It was... him.</p><p> </p><p>He seemed to be deep in thought, probably talking a shortcut to the training field through here to teach a class. As per usual, he didn't notice me.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>I had been in the hospital for a week now and I would see Captain Levi routinely every day around 3 PM, pacing past my half-opened door, never even acknowledging my presence. Every time someone walked past, I would indistinctly look up, searching for him. Each time I saw him, I had hoped he would stop and say something. Each time. But he never saw me. </p><p> </p><p>On the tenth time he passed, his eyes darted in my direction. </p><p> </p><p>His footsteps slowed and glanced at me, for the first time really looking at me. His blue-grey eyes met mine, but the look on his face was neither inviting nor kind.  Stopping still in his tracks, he maintained the distance between us. He was wearing a loose white shirt and black trousers, as he always did. I could feel my intestines tying into a knot, not knowing how to react to the situation before me.</p><p> </p><p>“That looks disgusting.” His voice was deep and smooth. “When was the last time that bandage was changed? </p><p> </p><p>I looked down. Blood was seeping through the fabric, I hadn’t noticed. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s only been changed once, sir.” I nervously answered, my eyes fixated on my leg. He had an entirely different presence than before, unapproachable and intimidating. I felt on edge, and to my discomfort, he came inside the room for the first time.</p><p> </p><p>He brought out a roll of wound dressing from the cupboard and then pulled out the chair beside me closer, sitting down on it and then immediately unwinding the old bandages on my leg. He didn’t seem fazed by the blood, continuing to unwrap the layers. Not knowing where to look, I watched his hands, they were broad and covered by faint outlines of veins. The calluses on his hands felt rough, but his touch on my skin was gentle. My eyes averted from his hands to the contour of his jawline, clean-shaven and with defined bone structure. He was handsome, no doubt. I had never been this close to him to truly appreciate it. I looked away, back at my leg.</p><p> </p><p>He didn’t say anything else for the rest of the time it took for him to clean my wound with rubbing alcohol thoroughly and discard the blood-soaked bandages. Once he had finished, he left.</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you, sir” I muttered, but there was no reply back and my eyes were lost into the background. I refocused my sight on his handiwork once the blur of his back disappeared. Neat, clean, and immaculate. Depressingly, I wondered how many times he had done this before.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>He came again a second time a few days later to change my bandages again, to my surprise. We didn’t say anything except for hi, and sat in the same awkward silence as before. This time, I noticed the shadows under his dark-ringed eyes were darker than yesterday. He must have been tired. As he was leaving, his voice spoke, calling out to me. I looked up.</p><p> </p><p>“Your name, cadet? Didn't catch it”</p><p> </p><p>“(F/N) (L/N), sir."</p><p> </p><p>And with that, he left. </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>My wound was almost healed now. He came a final time a few days after that to, once again, change my bandages. It was the same as usual, the awkward silence becoming crushingly louder with every second that passed. As he was finishing wrapping my leg a third time, he broke the silence.</p><p> </p><p>“Why are you here, (L/N)?” he asked, continuing to pull the bandages taut around my leg.</p><p> </p><p>He remembered.</p><p> </p><p>“Because I… hit a tree, sir.” </p><p> </p><p>“Don’t be a smartass, brat. You know<em> exactly </em> what I mean.” His eyes met mine, his expression was grim and his eye contact with me was stern and unwavering. It abruptly switched the atmosphere from awkward to menacing. He had put me on the spot, pressuring me to open up. It was almost cruel. </p><p> </p><p>“To kill titans, sir.”</p><p> </p><p>“So… You’re one of those arrogant brats who thinks that they’re the next hero?” </p><p> </p><p>“No, sir," I gulped.</p><p> </p><p>“Then what are you?”</p><p> </p><p>“I… I-” I couldn't think straight.</p><p> </p><p>“-Spit it out already,” he demanded.</p><p> </p><p>I could feel my body sinking into my bed. I didn’t want his hostility, I wanted to talk to that man I had seen that night, the one that would understand. </p><p> </p><p>“My…”</p><p> </p><p>This was most likely the only chance I would ever get to tell him. Granted, the situation wasn’t what I hoped it would be, but that was life.</p><p> </p><p>“My village was attacked by titans,” I mumbled.</p><p> </p><p>His eyes widened for a split second. It was the first time I had ever told anyone.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s why I’m here, sir,” I added.</p><p> </p><p>“I see.” </p><p> </p><p>The silence between us became deafening.  </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>"You didn't miss anything special, believe me," Jean reassured.</p><p> </p><p>But I had. He ranked number six now.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>"You're never going to hit anything with a stance like that, runt."</p><p> </p><p>Captain Levi was walking through the gym and had seen me trying to attempt a jab on a mannequin. </p><p> </p><p>I thought I had scared him away.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh… should I move my feet like this?" I nervously asked, putting one foot behind my other.  </p><p> </p><p>"Bend your knees more and shift your weight into your fist, like you're going straight through it. Got it?" </p><p> </p><p>I attempted what he said, and for the first time, it clicked into my head what he meant. I didn't have to generate all the power, I could use my bodyweight. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh… I get it now! Thank you."</p><p> </p><p>"I wouldn't get<em> too </em> happy, you have a long way to go, runt."</p><p> </p><p>"Of course, sir."</p><p> </p><p>He continued to walk past. His hair waved in the wind.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>I would see him a lot more after that, I guess it has broken the lingering awkwardness. He never stayed long, only for a few minutes at the most, but he would often give me tips, albeit, laced in criticism. He would tell me my legs lacked power so I should sprint more, or that my reflexes were too slow so I should start learning how to box. </p><p> </p><p>His advice was invaluable to me, I was learning from the best and in a few weeks progress started showing, I wasn't falling behind in physical training anymore, and it was all thanks to him. I wanted to tell him what this had meant to me, but he was too stand-offish and would leave straight after the advice for me too. Soon, there was no more advice from him, he would just walk straight past. I disappointingly would stand still, hoping he would turn around each time. I guess if he thought I had learnt enough, he was wrong. 3DMG training was my real weakness.</p><p> </p><p>After a few days of thinking about it, I finally built up the courage to ask him for help.</p><p> </p><p>"Captain Levi, sir," I said, approaching him in the hall. He was alone now, I had waited for this moment to come.</p><p> </p><p>"Yes, (L/N)," he replied, looking up at me. My name again. The white shirt he was wearing had navy embroidery around his collarbone, it brought out the blue specks in his eyes. </p><p> </p><p>"I was wondering… is there anything you could tell me about mastering 3DMG gear," I asked, cutting to the chase. "Seeing as you're the best at it."</p><p> </p><p>"You should train harder," he bluntly said.</p><p> </p><p>"Okay, sir,” I muttered, and walked away, regretting ever asking. </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>I was back in the hospital again. No surprise there. The whole ‘training harder’ concept clearly didn’t agree with me. This time it was just a minor graze, and I can't say I wasn't glad it happened, because I got to see him again.</p><p> </p><p>"Back here again, cadet?" He said, casually strolling in. "Let's see the damage this time." As he grabbed my arm, my heart started to beat faster.</p><p> </p><p>"The nurses do such a shit job here" he unapologetically said, carefully inspecting the wound on my arm, his hands warm on my skin. He was much closer to me than before, I tried not to look up at his face, so I looked at his chest instead. He was wearing white again, today. It was funny, I thought, in a place like this with blood, mud, and grime, he was always clean. </p><p> </p><p>"There's a fucking <em> splinter </em> in there, see?" </p><p> </p><p>I looked down at my arm and saw it too, hidden in curls of scraped skin.</p><p> </p><p>"I don't even know how..." I got up and got tweezers in the cupboard and started taking it out, fully aware that he was watching me. "Kind of feels like I'm operating on myself." I joked, pulling the slither of wood out.</p><p> </p><p>"I didn't know that someone so shit at 3DMG could still be here," he said, still looking at me. "Looks like you need all the help you can get."</p><p> </p><p>Really. After I had told him my village was attacked. What was his problem? I guess the look on my face gave it away because he tilted his head slightly, and paused.</p><p> </p><p>"Sunday. The training grounds. 3 PM, sharp."</p><p> </p><p>"For what, sir?" </p><p> </p><p>"Training, <em> evidently </em> your life depends on it."</p><p> </p><p>Well, he wasn't wrong.</p><p> </p><p>"Thank you,'" I said, half surprised.</p><p> </p><p>I stared into the hallway long after he had left. Training… With Captain Levi. </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>The training with Captain Levi was brutal. For two Sundays he yelled and swore at me for drifting off balance and would make me practice the basics for almost an hour until I could do it all in my sleep.</p><p> </p><p>"You copy your other classmates, don't you?" He asked after we had finished up in the third session.</p><p> </p><p>"Only the movements that they do," I replied, curious where this was going.</p><p> </p><p>"You're five foot, they're six foot."</p><p> </p><p>Thanks for the reminder. Six-foot and overbearing, like giants towering over me more like. The way he put it was weird, I always had been focused on them being stronger, not taller, but… I was as strong as Ymir and she was ranked higher than me. So we were only different in height, which meant that… God, why was I even trying to copy them? Of course, I would have to move differently.</p><p> </p><p>I was too focused on what they were doing instead of trying to find the right movements for myself.</p><p> </p><p>That realisation changed everything. </p><p> </p><p>My blades slashed the nape of the wooden titan’s nape, I could feel the adrenaline pumping through my body, giving me high I hadn’t experienced before. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m fast!” I yelled, soaring in the air. “I’m like... really fast!”</p><p> </p><p>“Not faster than me, runt.” He said, soaring past. “And your form was off.”</p><p> </p><p>“But I killed the titan! It can’t get any more dead than that.”</p><p> </p><p>“Do it again, this time with proper form.” </p><p> </p><p>Annoyingly, he had got me to number ten.</p><p> </p><p>“Ugh fine.”</p><p> </p><p>“That’s <em> Captain </em> to you, brat.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ugh fine, Captain Levi, sir.”</p><p> </p><p>His eyes narrowed.</p><p> </p><p>“Your Majesty,” I added.</p><p> </p><p>I swear I saw him smile.</p><p> </p><p>It became exhilarating gliding beside him, trying my best to catch up and watching him soar past into the trees in awe. It was almost like we were becoming friends. He would always be unamused, making fun of the excitement I showed whenever I learnt something new, telling me to hurry up when I would slow and catch myself looking up at the sky. </p><p> </p><p>But I would catch him, sometimes, looking at me.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>As soon as I was getting over it, the nightmares came back, that was the unspoken rule. And it wasn't long before they did.</p><p> </p><p>Strolling into the lounge and needing to be away from the darkness, I tried to distract my mind from what I had remembered again. I sat down on the sofa and drifted off into the distance, dim candlelight flickering around me to reassure me that I was still in the real world, not back there.</p><p> </p><p>"It's past curfew, runt." A voice called out. </p><p> </p><p>His voice.</p><p> </p><p>I had thought about this situation before, what I would say if I saw him like that again.</p><p> </p><p>"I can't sleep," I confided, thinking about the scenarios I had envisioned in my head, hoping he would open up. We weren't strangers anymore.</p><p> </p><p>"Why not?" He asked, slightly off guard.</p><p> </p><p>"I have nightmares about that night." I nervously said. He knew what I was talking about.</p><p> </p><p>"I see," He said, sitting down beside me and looking straight forward. I guess we actually were friends, he didn't even punish me for breaking curfew.</p><p> </p><p>"You can't sleep either?" My heart hammered in my chest, this was it. The moment.</p><p> </p><p>There was a pause.</p><p> </p><p>"No." </p><p> </p><p>“How come?” </p><p> </p><p>“Nightmares too.”</p><p> </p><p>We didn't say anything for a while. I don't think either of us minded the silence, but I wished I could have said something to bridge the gap between us, I just couldn't find the words. After a few more minutes had passed, I got up.</p><p> </p><p>"Goodnight, Captain." </p><p> </p><p>"Night, runt." </p><p> </p><p>I felt his eyes trailing me until I had reached the stairs. Perhaps he couldn't find the words to say either.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>The next training session with him was different. He didn't yell at me anymore, in fact, he barely said anything during the training. It was after the training that he spoke.</p><p> </p><p>"The nightmares… how long have you been having them?"</p><p> </p><p>"Five years, sir."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry you had to go through that, (L/N)."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry for what you've had to go through too, sir."</p><p> </p><p>He glanced at me with a solemn look on his face, and then excused me. I walked back, thinking about the look. His face. His eyes.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>"Next time use new blades, these ones are done for."</p><p> </p><p>"Thank you for today, sir. I'll see you again next week."</p><p> </p><p>"(L/N)."</p><p> </p><p>His voice sounded like a melody, saying my name, talking to me. I turned around.</p><p> </p><p>"Can I ask you something, if I may," he asked.</p><p> </p><p>"You can ask me anything." I meant it.</p><p> </p><p>"Why do you want to kill titans?"</p><p> </p><p>I stood still, the answer slipped off my tongue before I could think.</p><p> </p><p>"Because I want to avenge my mother, sir."</p><p> </p><p>He gave me a hard look. "Revenge is an unfulfilling path. Let's say you kill a titan, then what? What's next?" </p><p> </p><p>"I'll… kill another, sir."</p><p> </p><p>"So, you'll just keep killing titans until you die?"</p><p> </p><p>"Y-yes, sir." When he put it like that, I'm glad I never told Jean.</p><p> </p><p>"That won't bring her back."</p><p> </p><p>His words cut deep into me, twisting my stomach. I knew it wouldn't. But… I would be saving others from the same fate as her. My eyes were welling up. </p><p> </p><p>He placed his hand on my shoulder, and I felt his warmth burn into my skin like a flame, comforting me. I could trust him, I could tell him everything.</p><p> </p><p>"I... thought it would make the screaming go away."</p><p> </p><p>His touch became hotter.</p><p> </p><p>"Believe me, (F/N). It will not make the screaming go away," he muttered, soothingly. “I hear it too.”</p><p> </p><p>I looked deep into his eyes. He was suffering the same way I was. Both suffering, together. </p><p> </p><p>“My mother would still be alive if I was faster.” </p><p> </p><p>My heart was becoming heavy, eyes becoming blurry. </p><p> </p><p>“She told me to keep running, it’s because of me…” </p><p> </p><p>It hurt.</p><p> </p><p>“I...I killed her!” </p><p> </p><p>It hurt so fucking much. </p><p> </p><p>"It’s not your fault.”</p><p> </p><p>It was.</p><p> </p><p>“You didn’t kill her.”</p><p> </p><p>I did.</p><p> </p><p>“Forgive yourself."</p><p> </p><p>It was too much to bear and I burst into tears, breathing in heavy choked sobs.</p><p>He leaned in forward, pulling me closer to him. I wasn't ready for his touch. Locks of his soft black hair gently grazed against my neck like feathers, tingling and caressing my skin. </p><p>I had never been this close to him before. </p><p> </p><p>"You're not cut out to kill titans, it’ll ruin you. I knew it from the moment I saw you."</p><p> </p><p>His body was pressed against mine, raising my heart rate to dangerous levels but making me feel safer than I had ever felt for five long years. My heart had been aching, but it ached less when he was holding me like this. As if he was taking the pain away from me. Dissolving it all into his warm embrace.</p><p> </p><p>I had never felt this way before.</p><p> </p><p>I slid my arms around his neck, trying to take his pain away from him too. He tightened his embrace and I felt my heart explode.</p><p> </p><p>I was the first to pull away, but it felt like he never wanted to let go.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>...Forgive myself?</p><p> </p><p>It wasn't my fault. I didn’t kill her. If I die, my mother's sacrifice was for nothing. I repeated the words over and over and over until I believed them. I was guilt-ridden. Hurting. Alone. </p><p> </p><p>Then, I remembered the way he held me.</p><p> </p><p>Suddenly, the screaming stopped and my nightmares seemed to slip away.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>End of chapter song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtNN80lIGpE&amp;ab_channel=lustry.<br/>Thank you for reading!<br/></p></blockquote></div></div>
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